My Attempt at an Unbiased Review of Donald Trump’s Cologne, SUCCESS

About a month ago, Trista brought to my attention the fact that Donald Trump has a cologne. His apparent adventure into eau de toilettes wasn’t really a surprise to me, seeing as how he’s has had his (supposedly small) hand in everything from steaks to ice cream to board games to socks (and beyond). 

Trump’s cologne, aptly named SUCCESS — and I say "aptly" because he’s worked to build a self-brand associated with affluence and triumph, which is ostensibly possible to do simply by using words such as "success" as labels — interestingly doesn’t cost very much: from about $6 to $36 depending on the size and retailer. 

I was promptly inspired to buy said cologne — entirely because I felt it had xoVain potential — and did so without hesitation.

As I waited for it to show up on my door, I pondered the ways in which I could write about an eponymous cologne touted by a contentious presidential hopeful who promises to "make America great again" while persistently pledging allegiance to mostly himself. I vowed I would attempt to keep things mostly fair, that I would not talk about his physical attributes as the media likes to do, and that my registered-independent nostrils would sniff the EDT with only trace amounts of bias.

Don't judge the crooked tie. It was hard enough getting her into the outfit. That's my other cat's hair, btw. 

The cologne came, and I unwrapped the box with much eagerness. I carefully opened the corners of the cologne box, pulled the cap off, and spritzed SUCCESS into the air. 

My first thought: It smells like my high school boyfriend. And while it did bring me back to those weird days of high school newspaper meetings and 6:30 a.m. marching band practices, I had to admit that it didn’t smell that bad

It’s cool and watery, like old bath water that’s been sitting for a good hour, and quite green (the color Trump turns when the media talks about someone other than himself). The EDT doesn’t have much longevity — the opposite of his run for the presidency, which has lasted far longer than I think many predicted (including Trump himself). 

She was pretty pissed about this photo shoot.

Some fun facts: 

  • SUCCESS was actually discontinued last year by Macy’s, along with the entirety of Trump brand merchandise, following his disparaging remarks about Mexicans.
  • This was actually Trump’s second cologne. The first was called Donald Trump, The Fragrance, and was a collaboration with Estee Lauder in 2004. 
  • Trump has another cologne, called Empire, which was launched in 2015. (No relation to Empire the TV show, also launched in 2015.)

In conclusion, my cat gives the fragrance 0 stars, because she is a cat who doesn’t care about anything that doesn’t smell like dairy or kibble. I also give the fragrance 0 stars. Four for a decent smelling fragrance, minus two stars for smelling like an ex-boyfriend, minus another two stars for being made by Donald Trump.

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